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Christopher Smith reflects on his recent experience as a TEDx speaker when all of his fears came true... what's the worst that could happen?...
Niall Clarkin, The 360 Coach, convenes TEDx in Springwood. I have known him for around 3 years as our children attend the same school. We started acknowledging each other in the playground as these relationships often go. Waiting for our little kids to run beaming over to us, we would strike up a conversation. He told me that he was a coach in the personal development field. I told him about Shared Reading NSW. "Oh, that sounds like a great idea," he said once in his charming Irish brogue. "You should apply to do a TEDX talk." I smiled. "Yeah, definitely," I said, while I secretly thought, 'There is no way on earth that I would subject myself to that ordeal.'
I'm a severe introvert, bordering on the pathological. Throughout my life, I have suffered from intense social anxiety. Meeting new people is terrifying and exhausting. I usually have long hair because I avoid the small talk of hairdressers as if they have smallpox! I do not like 'putting myself out there' as everyone tells me I must to make Shared Reading NSW a success. I particularly do not like sharing aspects of my personal life with strangers.
Two installments of the TEDx conference went by. I still smiled at Niall and politely said that I would investigate applying to do a talk. I had absolutely no intention of doing so. I am just not TEDx material. I have seen those people striding about the stage, all power poses and voices projecting from their diaphragm, proclaiming the '5 ways' that you can lead more effectively or the 3 strategies to help you in any negotiation. I am not a power pose guy. I am quiet and shy. I felt inferior to TEDx and Niall. I didn't want him to see how inadequate I felt. I tried to remain impressive to him. The best way I could think of doing that was not to let him see any of the genuine parts of myself. I needed to keep my doubts and failures hidden. Then he would have the fantasy version of me. Competent, confident, etc.
Earlier this year, I received a surprise. A Shared Reading volunteer, Karon Coombs, nominated me for the Blue Mountains Citizen of the Year award, which I won. I usually pay little attention to awards. I maintain the philosophy that we are entitled to our labour, not the fruits of it. But something about this event got me in the heart. It felt genuine. The Mayor, Mark Greenhill, hand on heart, said, "You won't know the impact of the work you do."
As I stood next to him on stage in front of about 100 people, wishing I could make myself invisible, I thought, "Wait a minute. What if you try and enjoy this? What if you try and accept the compliments and the gratitude in the spirit they are offered.' So, instead of trying to rebuff each nice thing he said about me, I thought, 'Yes, that's right, I did that.' Suppose you were taught not to let too much of yourself show lest you inconvenience or upset the adults around you. In that case, you will know how radical it is to resist the temptation to fade into the background or to argue away any compliment you're given.
After this experience, I met with Niall again. "What about that TED Talk?" he said. "Come on, you are Citizen of the Year and must do it now. I'll coach you." I told Niall that I was not a polished public speaker and didn't have the pizazz that other speakers I'd seen had. I said I wouldn't feel comfortable standing up and walking about the stage proclaiming truths. He thought for a moment. "We'll have you sit down." He said. "I have a very comfy chair. Your talk will be grounding and gentle. It will bring a different energy to the event."
So I worked with Niall. I wrote and pitched my talk, and he provided unwavering support every step of the way. It made me realize the immense value of a skilled coach. Opening yourself up and becoming vulnerable enough to share your insecurities or dreams is difficult, but he made the process easy. He gave feedback in a way that was constructive and non-judgmental. I discovered that he worked this way with all the speakers, which is a testament to his dedication. He prepared me well. Now it was time for the talk.
I practiced my talk multiple times, walking around an empty hall at my workplace. I did not practice sitting down, though. So, when I took the stage following Gloria Tabi's absolutely earth-shattering talk on how she experienced racism as judgmental attitudes to her hair in the workplace, I was a little thrown. The green chair looked so small on the stage. I sat on it, collected myself, and looked into the audience. All I could see was the outline of people's heads fringed by the stage lights. They looked like alien beings with mystical auras. I used the prompter at the bottom of the stage. I had written various notes that would guide me through the presentation.
A little of the way through, my mind went completely blank. All of the things I feared came true. I had nothing. I started to half-tell the plot of the short story by Bruce Coville 'What's the worst that could happen?" where a thirteen-year-old boy makes a fool of himself onstage. Then I remembered something Niall had said to me. He said, 'No one knew what you were supposed to be saying.' This reminded me that the comparison between what was happening and what I had prepared was only in my head.
That wisdom settled me down, and I relaxed into the talk. Because of the moment of panic—my entire talk was about feeling inadequate anyway — I was able to be much more genuine and authentic, and I really connected with the audience.
Later, at dinner, I expressed my profound gratitude to Niall for pushing me to do the TEDx talk. He knew the impact it would have on me, and he has seen this transformation often in his work. With a glint in his eye, he said, "Get working on next year's talk." His words filled me with a sense of accomplishment and a newfound confidence in my ability to overcome my fears.
You can watch Christopher Smith speak about how shared reading impacts loneliness at TEDxSpringwood here
For more information from Shared Reading NSW and inspiration from Life the Universe & Stories
Thank you for your understanding and outcome for the TEDx talk, brilliant stuff!! Can't wait to see the next instalment!! Congratulations and keep up the good work!!