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A reflection on short story 'The Interlopers' by Saki...
Most people agree that feuds are generally a difficult thing. They cause stress, they waste time, they can escalate wildly and last for a long time, drawing in more people. They’re also extremely difficult to end. Ending a feud takes a lot of humility and courage on the part of those involved.
So, given the cost of feuds to our mental state, our reputations and quite possibly our finances, why are they so widespread?
Literally everyone in a reading group had a story about a feud, either current or historical. Everyone identifies with the feeling of meeting an enemy. The increased heart-rate, the seething injustice that drives the feud on into, and motivates you to action you never thought you could take.
One woman described her disgust at the fact that, following a feud, her neighbour allowed her dog to do its daily business on her lawn. “It made me so mad, I just threw it back over the fence.” She said, her eyes telling me that even reliving this is a trigger.
Another woman told me that her daughter in-law had not spoken to her for years because “She believes I want to take my son back. She actually believes I want to take away her husband.” She describes family situations where everyone speaks to each other else except her and her daughter in law. This is an awkwardness that obviously permeates and impacts the whole family.
So what is it that drives and sustains feuds?
In Saki’s story, it is all the characters have ever known. The feud has been in process for decades, and started with ancestors, but is carried through into the present day with just as much unchallenged hatred.
What is interesting is the lack of appetite to end a feud. Despite the stress and the cost of these elaborate, indulgent disagreements, most people think that they are inexorably justified in the position that they have taken. In a feud we have clearly lost perspective, dehumanised another person and invalidated their natural desires and wishes to the point that we consider everything they do hostile.
“I don’t think there is much chance of that. It would take a miracle. It would take them to change their entire personality” said one woman when asked what it would take to end a feud. Often the reason that we feud in the first place is that we feel aggrieved by the words or actions of another person. We feel that their behaviour is unreasonable. What’s more, we feel that our own bad behaviour is justified as a reaction to their bad behaviour. In our minds we are simply acting to ensure that some order of karmic justice is applied to the situation. We become righteous, we consider behaviour that has the flavour of bitterness and revenge as right and necessary.
In feuds we feel justified in acting to harm others. We do things that are so outside of the normal scope of our behaviour that it causes us cognitive dissonance. When speaking about the things that they have done in the name of a feud people are often shy, or laughing, or even remorseful. Reading groups represent a non-judgemental space to confess such things, but there is still an awareness in speaking them out loud that one has engaged in some form of behaviour that has taken one beyond some boundary line.
These boundary lines are interesting. Often the behaviour that we think we are capable of is much more narrow in scope than reality shows. Discussing feuds shows up how unkind we can be, how needlessly vengeful, how much energy we give to seeing that another person is inconvenienced. It shows up what we would consider to be our worst selves. But it does poke holes in our slef-image. It forces us to reflect on the darker forces within our nature. It is actually a gift to let our guard down and accept all of ourselves for once. What makes us human is a confusing array of currents underpinning our behaviour. The more we deny these currents because we do not like what we see, the more we are at risk od being controlled by them.
What is refreshing, possibly redemptive in discussing the more odious and frightening aspects of our nature is that this is universal. Everyone has a story to tell about a time when they acted in ways that they were not proud of. Everyone has experienced thoughts of bitterness, entertained revenge. Lived rich fantastical scenarios in which they were hurting others.
It seems that feuds are part of the human condition. It may be that we even need them for some reason. Looking around the world these days one thing seems sure. Feuds are not going anywhere soon.
You can read Saki's 'The Interlopers' online here
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